Thursday, September 30, 2010

Parenting is Hard

So last night, I was trying to go to sleep and all I could think about was all the things I'd done wrong yesterday. Most of those things revolved around my kids. I kept thinking "They are three and almost five (Sunday!). Have I already ruined them for life?"

This is a common thought in my head. What constitutes a "bad" parent? I've read articles on being an "okay" parent and how that is, really, okay. But there's still a gray area, isn't there?

I should point out that I don't think I'm a bad parent. Sometimes, though, I feel like not a very good one. I lose my temper, like any normal person. I raise my voice. Every once in a while, I just have to leave the room.

But my kids are well fed and taken care of. We read books at night. They have toys to play with and bikes to ride. They have clothes and shoes and coats for winter. I don't think it makes me a better parent because my kids have things. But does it help?

This morning I felt better, like I had done something right somewhere along the line. The almost five year old got up all on his own (after sleeping in his bed all night, which has been a struggle) and got dressed. He was also quick to start picking up toys he'd left out the night before. When I told my mom that, she figured it was because he knows his birthday is this weekend and he's trying to score some extra points. I like to think he was doing it because I really am an okay parent and I have taught him a thing or two along the way.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Better Days

I really do feel bad when I write such a whiney and complainy blog post. I mean, really, who wants to read that? But I need to vent somewhere. My husband doesn't want to hear it. My best friend isn't as accesible by email as she used to be. So that leaves the blog. And since I don't have any followers, I guess I shouldn't be so worried about it.

Today I think I feel better because I've got an insane amount of sugar coarsing through my veins. Is that right, coarsing? Or coursing? Whatever. I'm really kind of jumpy and jittery and don't sneak up on me because I might wet myself. Probably not a good thing, but whatever gets me through the rest of the day.

Really, I should be focused on the weekend. I need to get a list prepared for the 5 year old's birthday party. Granted, I took the easy way out and planned it as a sleepover for his cousin's; but he's happy with that. We're going to paint pumpkins. And that's all I've got. The weather will be nice enough that they can play outside. I don't think it should require much more than that, should it? They are 2, 3 and 4 year olds. Not a hard age to keep entertained. Until they get tired. At which point, all hell breaks loose. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Melancholy

So I started to write this whole whiney post about how much everything sucks...but why bother? What good will it do to complain?

I'm just in a bad mood. I don't really have any reason to be, though. Can't I just be in a bad mood? Do I need a reason?

How can I bring myself out of it? I could read a book. But all that makes me think about is how it's not *my* book. So then I think about writing and I get discouraged because I don't think I'm ever going to finish anything and start down the road to getting published. Then I try to think about why I'm still trying to hold myself back? Just put it all out there and be done with it.

Then I get frustrated at home. Because I don't have time to read, or write...or go to the bathroom, for that matter. I look around and see a mess everywhere. Supper to be made, dishes to do, laundry piling up....kids to be entertained and loved. Why do I feel like I'm failing at everything all at once? I didn't used to think I was a bad mom (and I'm really not compared to a lot of people), but I've felt like one lately. I don't do fun things with my kids anymore. I yell at them to eat their supper and pick up their toys.

So do I just relax and let it all slide? Do I focus on one thing and forget the rest? How can I get my life in a balance I can live with? I think it used to be. I'm trying to pinpoint when things started to get out of hand and I'd like to attempt to fix it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Sucks


I feel bad for Monday. It has such a bad reputation. Is it all in my mind that this day really sucks? Do I set myself up for suckage when I wake up thinking "Hey, it's Monday. It's not going to be a good day." Probably. But whatever.


Let me just wallow in it for a moment, if you will. I believe my last post was on the unfairness of birthday policies at work (ie how they are unfair to me). Because of that, I skipped out on a surprise birthday party for that co-worker on Saturday night. I was all set to go, but then my kid got sick. Really. Or at least, Grandma thought she was sick but she really wasn't.


Anyway, so today, all I'm hearing is talk of how great the party was and how much fun everybody had. That's all well and good, but it's further proof that some people in this office are just better friends.


So now it's got me thinking that I'm not as good of friends with these people as I thought I was. Which is funny because my mom was telling me that my aunt said the other day that she didn't have any friends. And my mom feels the same way. We all have each other, but we're family. So does count? Or were we born with some kind of inability to make really, really good friends? Because, I'll be honest, I have one person in the whole wide world who I consider my friend. She's my BFF. I found her in middle school and we've been together ever since. Sadly, she lives in another state. So I can call her up, but it's not the same as going out for lunch once a week.


I guess I'm a little jealous for having to listen to all the friendships here that I am not a part of, no matter what I might think. No more trying to fit in for me. I was born a loner and I will always be a loner.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Shoes

I'm not a huge shoe person. I don't count flip flops as shoes, which is a good thing because I have about every color that Old Navy makes. I have black shoes and brown shoes for work, summer and winter versions. I have fun shoes, like my Converse. And I so totally want this pair, in sky... http://store.delias.com/item.do?itemID=49910&outfitID=1645&color=BLK&categoryID=1922&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=

But I'll restrain myself. Because I might rather buy more books instead.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Monday

Today we celebrated a co-worker turning 40. I've been in a huff all morning because I turned 30 last year and I'm pretty sure I got diddily. I shouldn't be so petty about it. Especially since I can't remember for sure and I have no journal entry anywhere to back me up. I probably brought in treats like we're supposed to do for our birthdays and that was it. Apparently the rules are different for "milestone" birthdays because we were supposed to bring treats in today. I didn't because a) I was busy all weekend and b) I must've misunderstood the message.

So I just need to get over it, really. But it leaves me a little...irritated. I mean, I thought we were all pretty close here. I know we don't all get equal treatment on other things (which is wrong)...I guess it applies to birthdays too.

Whatever. I'm done.

I went to Hobby Lobby during lunch. I hadn't been there in a while. I wasn't really looking for anything in partiuclar, but I like to wander around and get crafty ideas. I found an aisle of pretty office accessories, like file folders and clipboards and mouse pad notepads. Some of the stuff I looked at, I thought "I can make that!" But sometimes it's so much easier to buy it.

But I want to make more bookmarks. Lots of lots of bookmarks. Will I get more blog followers if I offer free bookmarks?

The other thing I'm making...keychains. I've been saving bottle caps (Mike's Hard Lemondade, beer, Orange Crush, etc) and waiting for a sign of what to do with them. And, lo and behold, my mom needed a keychain. My latest craft was born. Go me.

One last paragraph, I swear. The writing thing has perked up a little. No major progress, but pages are being written. So that's something. Hopefully I can keep it up.