Anyway...on to the real stuff...
First, I have a birthday coming up in a couple months. It's not a big one or anything. Just a birthday. Which is pretty much every birthday. But with my current jobless situation, I'm wondering if I'm having a mid-life crisis. At what age does that happen? Do women normally have one? Is it something that should come along with menopause? Because I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere near that yet. Because you think of 50-60 year old men buying flashy cars and getting young girlfriends. Mine is more related to my life choices. And the dreams behind them, I suppose.
So obviously, the dream is still to be a writer. But that's hard. Duh. I'm getting ready to query another book. There's still all the doubt and fear associated with it, but I'm going to do it.
And what if it still doesn't happen?
Well, I applied for another job today. There have been a couple others. I didn't even get interviews. This shit is hard, yo. If you go back to the beginning, I believe I said something along the lines of how easy I thought it would be. Well, that was delusional crap. Because it is HARD. I still believe I'd be better off without a degree and a lot of experience.
So if I can't get published and I can't get a real job, then what? Do I give up and start calling myself a stay at home mom? Do I try to pick up a gimmick and sell my blogging abilities? Yeah, that will never happen.
You know what I really want to do now? I want to junk for a living. I want to go around buying up antique treasures and reselling them. I've discovered a whole community of folks who do this on Instagram. It's kind of amazing. I can't imagine actually making a living out of it, though. Which is why I want to lease some store space and open a shop. How cool would that be? Only I don't know a lot about running a business and I'm not in the business of being a people person. So I don't see that working out too well for me.
In the meantime, my mom and I are going to take part in a flea market in a couple weeks to unload some of our treasures. Hopefully someone will love these things as much as I do and want to pay me an insane amount of money for them so I can convince The Farmer that I'm not crazy.
And that leads in to the final truth...maybe I've talked about it before. For as little as I blog, you'd think I could recall what I've posted. Anyway, they always say that the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, you'd think someone who is unemployed would have a better handle on spending habits. But I don't. I can reign myself in and keep it in check for a while. Then something will happen and I'll lose my shit again.
My parents never had a lot of money. I never wore the name brand stuff growing up. But I see now that my parents weren't great savers, I guess. My brother isn't good with money, either. The Farmer knew this when he married me and yet he always seems surprised to find out I've bought something.
Don't get me wrong. I don't buy $500 shoes and designer bags. I don't like to spend over $30 on any one article of clothing.
But I probably have 10 pairs of Old Navy flip flops and at least 10 of their tanks. In my defense, a lot of those were purchased during my second pregnancy...seven years ago. So my stuff lasts. But it's like it's never enough, you know? Maybe part of it is buying stuff I don't need. But I feel like I can always justify it. Especially when I was working. It was my money. I could spend it however I wanted. As long as we could pay the bills, it was okay. We can still pay the bills, but my habits haven't changed much. I didn't really need 3 different versions of The Simpsons limited edition Moleskine notebook. Yet I have that many. They might be collectors items someday! Because it's The Simpsons!
See how I did that? I justified it. Which is really quite crap. So, I didn't spend any money today. And I probably won't until we need groceries again. I'm even trying to be more responsible on the food front. I took inventory of the pantry and I'm trying to be better about using up what's there instead of stuffing it full. I have a house full of picky eaters, though, so this is proving to be a challenge. But I'm determined.
So, there you have it, readers (all five of you). My truths. My shame. Maybe now that I've admitted it, I'll be able to fix it. Use my internet to watch Netflix like a normal person, instead of online shopping. (I did manage to cut $50 off the phone/internet bill, so that's a small victory worth mentioning)